Fierce!

The Set Up

I came out of retirement last week and picked up a bar shift. It was the night before Thanksgiving, all of the college co-eds were back in town, and tons of people were getting their groove on. Needless to say, it was quite busy. My roomie, T, got a ride downtown, and DT was going to give us both a ride home. Bar nights are late nights. We had cleaning to do, beer to stock, and money to settle up. It took much longer than expected. T grew impatient. The longer it took the more she drank and the "fiercer" her attitude became. The following bobbing took place on the walk to the car when I was trying to break the ice...

The BOBBED Quote

C: Damn, girl those boots are FIERCE!

T: (using best pissed off Mr. T voice) NO, Dawg, I... AM FIERCE!

(muffled laughter coming from C and DT)

The SHIT FUN Button

The Set Up

My roomie and I are having a party in the near future. The VA St party in the past has been a blast. There is a certain amount of expectation and pressure that comes from these parties. We are in the planning stages now. Everyone knows that when you throw the party sometimes you don't have the most fun due to cleaning up, worrying about that guy who is pissin' on your carpet, floating the keg, etc. However, we are birds of a different feather, and we plan on flocking together.

The BOBBED Quote

T: I told Beth we were going to have a good time even if I had to shit FUN out of my ass!

Me: What exactly would that look like?

T: Don't know...never had to use the SHIT FUN button before.

Stereotypes and Screwin' Your Sister

The Set Up

Mike Freeman recently penned a horrible article about the upcoming National Championship Game. Not only was it what some would consider racist, most definitely stereotypical, and without a doubt ignorant, it was also poorly written. I mean very badly written. Check it out if you like. Print it out and read it on the can.

When this article was sent to me via email, I felt the need to send it to all of my fellow Mountaineers! The responses were great. My favorite has been bobbed!

The BOBBED QUOTE

BK: ...and saying stuff about the Mountaineer sleeping with his sister, we need to get that article to Brady Campbell, have him respond, and say "not sleeping w/ my sister dude, too busy w/ your mom!"

Down At Fraggle Rock

So you cook, and then you watch food shows. Watching food shows first leads to impatient cooks. Here's what happens when you start watching Food Network at 9ish during the Holiday special week.

C: "See, she's a muppet."

D: "Yeah, but she's a f#$@-able muppet."

Check The Expiration Date

The Set Up

The day after a weekend bender. 'Nough said.

The BOBBED Quote

C: I have felt much prettier before. Today, I feel like a can of smashed assholes.

The Bar

The Set Up

DT is one of our favorite bartenders, friend, and family members. He doesn't have to work on Sundays, so we often go out for Sunday Funday. Yesterday, SF included a trip to our favorite Mexican Joint for margaritas and tons of food, then on to Sam's Uptown for football viewing and laughter. DT stepped behind the bar for a minute.

The BOBBED Quote

C: Damn, DT, you look GOOD behind three feet of wood.

DT: You should see me behind three inches of wood!

Other People's Assholes

The Set Up

Two friends were recently talking, one-in the educational world, the other-not. The friend in education was contemplating a career change. Believe me when I tell you that she loves her job and loves her kids, but enough was enough on this particular day-rude behavior, comments, and a poor work ethic. She was quite frustrated. Note: she works with High School Students. There is no need for any further explanation.

The BOBBED Quote

Friend 1: I'm to the point, that if I keep working with other people's asshole kids, I will NEVER want to have any of my own.

Friend 2: Just remember....they aren't assholes when they are yours, or something like that.

Friend 1: Sure they are. I'm an asshole and I belong to my mom.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire??

The Set Up

So who wants to be a millionaire? This BOBBIN' was sent to me from a fan of the blog. I'm not sure of the exact set up. However, apparently a few friends were sitting around commenting on a mutual friend's discontent at the office. I didn't even know that this particular job title existed! My question is this...giver or receiver?? Sounds like a messy job.

The BOBBED Quote

He won't be happy unless he's making a million dollars a week as a blow job tester!

Obsession with the Tramp Stamp

The Set Up

Ok, so yes, we are obsessed with the tramp stamp! (refer to former blog: Tramp Stamps and Diagrams) We can't help it. Plus, we are even more amused at the fact that one of our male friends has a tramp stamp. We now make it a point to insert a joke at M's expense as often as possible! Its so much fun when it is just so easy! A lady in a bedazzled pair of jeans walked into the bar last night...

The BOBBED Quote

D: I bet there's a tramp stamp under that sparkly!

C: M doesn't wear sparkly.

MRSA

The Set Up

Lately there has been a freak out over Staph infections and MRSA. People fail to realize that they could get a Staph infection at any time, it isn't just a new phenomenon of late. Needless to say, our friend, M, is ALWAYS sick. Legitimately sick. His current ailment is a very bad cold. He looks and sounds awful. He came around all of us yesterday with his snottiness and hacking. The BOBBIN' is a response to his "being."

The BOBBED Quote

C: I'll take your clap and your crabs, but don't give me your MRSA!

Newsworthy?

The Set Up

The Charleston Gazette ran an article today about two camo-wearing women busting into an establishment and robbing $27,000 worth of poker money from a game near Hurricane. The article goes into description about exactly what happened. However, to enjoy the BOBBIN' you need to pay particular attention to this following paragraph in the article:

"According to the criminal complaint, it happened in a building behind Bogey's, a bar near Hurricane. A building that houses storage units is located at the rear of the bar."

The BOBBED Quote

J: Liquor in the front and poker in the rear!

The 40 or The 60 Watt Bulb?

The Set Up

There are a group of folks in the Charleston area that like to participate in a day of adventure, Sunday Funday, at least 2-3 times a month. These adventures normally consist of drinking, eating, a fun activity, or bad reality TV. This Sunday Funday a challenge was thrown forth...NTN Trivia at our favorite wing joint, The Cold Spot. (On a side note: You gotta love a wing/beer joint that is connected to a convenience store/former gas station!) It was an intense battle filled with beer, shots, wings, fried 'shrooms, an obscene amount of Blue Cheese, and an assload of shit talkin'.

The BOBBED Quote

C: I hate this game! I suck! I'm definitely NOT the BRIGHTEST light bulb in the bunch.

B: Awwww. You are a bright light bulb, just not THE brightest.

C: Gee, thanks, B.

Tramp Stamps and Diagrams

The Set Up

Boys will be boys, and when two of them get completely and totally frustrated with one another, it can become quite ugly, especially, if one is yielding a sharp kitchen knife and the other a lower back tatoo. Needless to say, apparently, a sandwich wasn't made the exact way one of the boys wanted it to be. There were words.

The BOBBED Quote

M: This isn't what I ordered, T. It isn't what I ordered!!!!!!!

T: The next time you want ME to make YOU something that isn't on the menu, you can walk your TRAMPED STAMPED ass over here and draw me a fuckin' diagram.

Jive Talkin'

The Set Up

According to the onlineslangdictionary.com:

Whore:

1. a prostitute
2. a promiscuous person, usually female
3. a greeting, usually between males

Example: What up, whore!

4. a friendly insult, usually between males

Example: Leave me alone, whore!

JOHN:

one who pays for sexual relations

The BLOGGED Quote

D: Taste of Asia is on its way to me now.
B: Whore!
D: No, 'John.' I'm the one paying here!

Reactions

The SET UP

This came through via email. It was too funny not to share it with you all.

THE BOBBED Email

KCJW: At first when I read the Bobbed website, I thought that you either (a) had developed some unhealthy addiction towards posting on this blog or (b) had a much more active week than I did. Then I realized that it actually is your website and am no longer concerned, but amused. Also, I am struck by a longing for winter afternoons at The Cold Spot. I have to go now - Beverly (dog) just vomited on the carpet. Cheers.

Party Responses

The Set Up

Once or twice a year, I throw a kicking party. The last one was for my birthday in March. The party went on until roughly 8am. There is always a very eclectic group of participants. Dancing, music, kegs, beer bongs, ice luge, shots, conversation, wine, snack-ables, occasionally guacamole on the wall, moved furniture, hook ups, elicit affairs, gossip, the works; it all happens at a Chez party! I have found that like a bar, a house party is a great place to do some BOBBIN. However, the BOBBIN has already begun!

The BOBBED Quotes

D: I will at some point that night, vomit on someone.

K: I will be there. I just hope you have the taxi number programmed into the phone.

J: I can't think of a better way to celebrate: Ben Stiller, Abbie Hoffman, Billy Idol, & Winston Churchill's birthday, Barbados Independence Day, Lucy the Australopithicus Discovery Day, Pink Floyd "The Wall"'s 28th birthday, and the end of hurricane season.

JBK: I'll be there with my tightest rhymes, yo.

J: We'll be there, flame-retarding blankets in tow.

KCJW: I'll wear something flame retardant, even if J isn't that adventurous.

D: I am currently out of clever. When clever has been re-stocked in my warehouse, I will be sure to notify you.

TTHBTK: I'm Ron Burgundy?

Hand Holding and Baby Fists

The Set Up

My friend group is currently having a debate about hand holding, specifically hand holding in public. It's a debate that has no winner, only hand holders. I am of the belief that hand holding is acceptable public behavior. Others find is disturbing. A few find it joke worthy. The following BOBBIN took place at, of course, Happy Hour!

The BOBBED Quote

Person #1: I don't hold hands.

Person #2: That wasn't my hand; it was a little baby fist.

B"S"H-isms

The Set Up

If it can go wrong, it will go wrong for our frind B"S"H. Sometimes his misadventures are self induced, other times it is just a bad run with karma. Either way, his catastrophies often make for the best BOBBINS. This particular BOBBIN is dedicate to B"S"H!

The BOBBED Quote

I've probably had some women as hairy as you, Dan. Not as big, but...

It's no fun motorboatin' too big a tit. You just run out of breath.

I'm pretty. I'm not funny. You can't be both.

I ran out of gas somewhere between Nitro and Crosslanes this morning. I had on my flip flops.

I've drank more in the last 24 hours than most normal people drink in a year. Oh, and you all aren't most normal people.

I'm gonna dance like a bastard!

I'm A Motor Boatin' Son of a Bitch!

The Set Up

My friend STK has a certain nickname because they are quite sweet! She rarely shows them off though; something we are working on. This Halloween she showed up as the Lovely Cleopatra and had a bit of va-va-voom. I had been drinking a wee bit and felt the need to introduce her to everyone by way of "motor boatin'."





The BOBBED Quote

This is my friend B. Go a head and motor boat her; I did!

Givin' Chin

The Setting

My friend, T, has a certain affection for egg rolls, a specific Chinese restaurant, and individuals' lower jaws. Some call it odd; those closest to her call it her charm.

The BOBBED Quote

I bet she gives great CHIN(s)!

Cock-a-doodle-dooooooooo!

The Set Up

This particular BOBBIN' is just strange. I have yet to understand it completely. There isn't much to it; all you really need to know is this:

- two rednecks

- one topic of conversation

I will let the BOBBIN' speak for itself.

The BOBBED Quote

She's ten kinds of sexy. She's sexy as boots on a rooster!

"She Sure Is A Mean Pinball!"

The Set Up

A sister to one of us is by no means a huge drinker. However, when lil sis decides it is time to tie one on, she does exactly that. She recently celebrated a birthday at one her favorite watering holes. She met her goal and got bombed! Did I mention she did this before the hour of 10PM?!

The BOBBED Quote

Lil Sis: I thiiiink I need, want, no need to puke.

[Heads straight to bathroom.]

[Concerned friend follows behind her.]

[Lil sis bounces off every single wall in the hallway to the bathroom.]

Lil Sis: [Laughing hysterically while obtaining a rocker's stance sings:] I SURE AM A MEAN PINBALL!!!! Did you hear me? I SURE AM A MEAN PINBALL!

C: [laughing hysterically asks:] Want me to hold your hair?

Lil Sis: Nope! I need you to hold my beer. I'm gonna need that to gargle with when this is over!

JBK's First Single

The Set Up

I have a friend who has aspirations to become one of the most powerful Caucasian Rappers. JBK/STK can frequently be spotted, or perhaps heard is the right word, spittin' her mad game throughout the town; normally she also has a ML beer in one hand while she is faux spinnin' in the other. The following BOBBED moment was her first attempt at public spittin'. She has improved since the early days, but this was a landmark moment for her. Please, if you are sensitive to the language of the culture, discontinue reading the blog.

The BOBBED Quote

You Ain't No Swiffer, You A Dust Rag

Bitch, you ain't no swiffer, you a dust rag.

That's why when you at work, I f*$@ him in yo sleepin' bag.

That's why I'm the cleanest in the land.

You so dirty you got yo rag in yo hand.

So clean up after a bitch like me.

I want you to scrub my toilet on your knees.

That's right, uh uh, you ain't no swiffer, you a dust rag!!!!

Jesus Sure Does Look Purty In Gym Shoes!

The Set Up

One of my friends played basketball for two fairly well known Universities, was drafted into the NBA for a short while, played for a European professional team, now has a career outside of the sport, but still plays on many league teams in town. He's getting up there in athletic years, but still plays a mean game of ball. The thing is...he knows it and tells people about it A LOT, both on and off the court. In short, he is a shit talker. This particular BOBBIN' took place while WC (the player) was shooting a half court ball (which he made) and one of our friendly spectators in the bleachers watched in awe.

The BOBBED Quote

WC: (Mid shot) Damn, that's purty, and I'm purty doin' it!!!!

Fan: Man, WC is like Jesus in gym shoes!!!!!

"I like the way you talk. You from Narnia?"

The Set Up

I have friends that are slightly obsessed with the series "Lil Bush." Quite frankly there might be only one other event that is more fun that BOBBIN', and that's poking fun at the Commander In Chief. Anyway, I digress. Once again the following conversation takes place on the way out of a bar.

The BOBBED Quote

The World's Drunkest Man: Hey. Hey, lady. I need a ride. Where ya goin'?

T: Narnia.

The World's Drunkest Man: Is that anywhere near Clendenin?

T: [shakes head and walks away]

From The Bob Book: Priceless Quotes From The Bar and Beyond

The Set Up

"The World's Drunkest Man" can take on many forms. Sometimes he is a 21 year old novice drinker. Sometimes a tenured veteran. Often, however, he is simply a D-R-U-N-K as a career choice. One night, many years ago, "The World's Drunkest Man" took the form of a rustic, rode hard and hung up wet, southern homosexual. Need I say more?

The Bobbed Quote

World's Most Annoying Bartender: Sir, you are reallly drunk. I'm going to have to cut you off.

World's Drunkest Man: Whhhhhaaat?

World's Most Annoying Bartender: Sir, I'm cutting you off. I can't understand you.

World's Drunkest Man: (with a flip of the wrist) Oh Honey, that's because I'm from the South.

G-Chat Status Messages!!!

The Set Up:

I love technology. I love instant messaging. I love the humor and sarcasm of the status message. Some of the individuals that I have listed on my G-Chat are flippin' brilliant smart. Here are a few:

The BOBBED status messages:

KCJW: found that handing out candy is more fun when one is drinking.

JW: handed out candy to 15 year olds AND their babies last night.

TH: pities da fool!

TH: is smackin' bitchez.

From The Bob Book: Priceless Quotes From The Bar and Beyond

The Set Up

This is one of the quotes from several years ago that can be found in the orginal BOB BOOK. The individual who was BOBBED, well we will refer to him as R. R drank. R drank a lot and often. R drank so much that he often had a odd sense of paranoia. (Please note that the views of those being bobbed are not the views of the those doing the bobbin'.)

The Quote:

R: I have HAMS.

G: What?

R: You know, Hate A Midget Syndrome. The only thing they are good for is making ham sammiches and digging ditches.

October 28, 2007

The Set Up

Two of my very good male friends, my brothas from otha muthas, recently went head to head in an Iron Chef-South Charleston Style Competition. I was honored to be among four of the judges. It was a rockin' good time, with great food, fantastic flare, lots of laughs, and a shit ton of F-bombs! For a full description of the festivities, check out Mori-Dano's blog. His Kitchen Geeking blog is quite entertaining.


Bobbed Quote

C: (Some off color, obnoxious remark/comparison about the Iron Chefs and a Monkey Habitat. You really had to see the layout of the kitchen and the "observation deck" to understand that comment. Plus, egging them on about how they couldn't yell at me because I held the power of a SCORE CARD!)

P: Why dontcha just shut the fuck up!

C: (insert evil laugh) muaaahaaaaaaaa

H: Pauly, you really HAVE to QUIT telling the judges to shut the fuck up!