Wednesday, October 31, 2007

"She Sure Is A Mean Pinball!"

The Set Up

A sister to one of us is by no means a huge drinker. However, when lil sis decides it is time to tie one on, she does exactly that. She recently celebrated a birthday at one her favorite watering holes. She met her goal and got bombed! Did I mention she did this before the hour of 10PM?!

The BOBBED Quote

Lil Sis: I thiiiink I need, want, no need to puke.

[Heads straight to bathroom.]

[Concerned friend follows behind her.]

[Lil sis bounces off every single wall in the hallway to the bathroom.]

Lil Sis: [Laughing hysterically while obtaining a rocker's stance sings:] I SURE AM A MEAN PINBALL!!!! Did you hear me? I SURE AM A MEAN PINBALL!

C: [laughing hysterically asks:] Want me to hold your hair?

Lil Sis: Nope! I need you to hold my beer. I'm gonna need that to gargle with when this is over!

JBK's First Single

The Set Up

I have a friend who has aspirations to become one of the most powerful Caucasian Rappers. JBK/STK can frequently be spotted, or perhaps heard is the right word, spittin' her mad game throughout the town; normally she also has a ML beer in one hand while she is faux spinnin' in the other. The following BOBBED moment was her first attempt at public spittin'. She has improved since the early days, but this was a landmark moment for her. Please, if you are sensitive to the language of the culture, discontinue reading the blog.

The BOBBED Quote

You Ain't No Swiffer, You A Dust Rag

Bitch, you ain't no swiffer, you a dust rag.

That's why when you at work, I f*$@ him in yo sleepin' bag.

That's why I'm the cleanest in the land.

You so dirty you got yo rag in yo hand.

So clean up after a bitch like me.

I want you to scrub my toilet on your knees.

That's right, uh uh, you ain't no swiffer, you a dust rag!!!!

Jesus Sure Does Look Purty In Gym Shoes!

The Set Up

One of my friends played basketball for two fairly well known Universities, was drafted into the NBA for a short while, played for a European professional team, now has a career outside of the sport, but still plays on many league teams in town. He's getting up there in athletic years, but still plays a mean game of ball. The thing is...he knows it and tells people about it A LOT, both on and off the court. In short, he is a shit talker. This particular BOBBIN' took place while WC (the player) was shooting a half court ball (which he made) and one of our friendly spectators in the bleachers watched in awe.

The BOBBED Quote

WC: (Mid shot) Damn, that's purty, and I'm purty doin' it!!!!

Fan: Man, WC is like Jesus in gym shoes!!!!!

"I like the way you talk. You from Narnia?"

The Set Up

I have friends that are slightly obsessed with the series "Lil Bush." Quite frankly there might be only one other event that is more fun that BOBBIN', and that's poking fun at the Commander In Chief. Anyway, I digress. Once again the following conversation takes place on the way out of a bar.

The BOBBED Quote

The World's Drunkest Man: Hey. Hey, lady. I need a ride. Where ya goin'?

T: Narnia.

The World's Drunkest Man: Is that anywhere near Clendenin?

T: [shakes head and walks away]

From The Bob Book: Priceless Quotes From The Bar and Beyond

The Set Up

"The World's Drunkest Man" can take on many forms. Sometimes he is a 21 year old novice drinker. Sometimes a tenured veteran. Often, however, he is simply a D-R-U-N-K as a career choice. One night, many years ago, "The World's Drunkest Man" took the form of a rustic, rode hard and hung up wet, southern homosexual. Need I say more?

The Bobbed Quote

World's Most Annoying Bartender: Sir, you are reallly drunk. I'm going to have to cut you off.

World's Drunkest Man: Whhhhhaaat?

World's Most Annoying Bartender: Sir, I'm cutting you off. I can't understand you.

World's Drunkest Man: (with a flip of the wrist) Oh Honey, that's because I'm from the South.

G-Chat Status Messages!!!

The Set Up:

I love technology. I love instant messaging. I love the humor and sarcasm of the status message. Some of the individuals that I have listed on my G-Chat are flippin' brilliant smart. Here are a few:

The BOBBED status messages:

KCJW: found that handing out candy is more fun when one is drinking.

JW: handed out candy to 15 year olds AND their babies last night.

TH: pities da fool!

TH: is smackin' bitchez.

From The Bob Book: Priceless Quotes From The Bar and Beyond

The Set Up

This is one of the quotes from several years ago that can be found in the orginal BOB BOOK. The individual who was BOBBED, well we will refer to him as R. R drank. R drank a lot and often. R drank so much that he often had a odd sense of paranoia. (Please note that the views of those being bobbed are not the views of the those doing the bobbin'.)

The Quote:

R: I have HAMS.

G: What?

R: You know, Hate A Midget Syndrome. The only thing they are good for is making ham sammiches and digging ditches.

October 28, 2007

The Set Up

Two of my very good male friends, my brothas from otha muthas, recently went head to head in an Iron Chef-South Charleston Style Competition. I was honored to be among four of the judges. It was a rockin' good time, with great food, fantastic flare, lots of laughs, and a shit ton of F-bombs! For a full description of the festivities, check out Mori-Dano's blog. His Kitchen Geeking blog is quite entertaining.

Bobbed Quote

C: (Some off color, obnoxious remark/comparison about the Iron Chefs and a Monkey Habitat. You really had to see the layout of the kitchen and the "observation deck" to understand that comment. Plus, egging them on about how they couldn't yell at me because I held the power of a SCORE CARD!)

P: Why dontcha just shut the fuck up!

C: (insert evil laugh) muaaahaaaaaaaa

H: Pauly, you really HAVE to QUIT telling the judges to shut the fuck up!